PART ONE OF A THREE PART SERIES
Facebook friends make me laugh, because I end up getting so engrossed in my news feeds that I forget that life exists other places, including this website. I decided to update my website so that I would write here more, and I am overjoyed by the design. It’s perfect, and I will be updating here daily from now on! A Facebook friend “Yensid Jester” tagged me in a post which reads:
Name the top 15 most influential movies in your life. If I tag you then play along or not, it is up to you. Still, these are films that have influenced you in some way or another. Not necessarily your favorite films of all time, but influenced you in some way.
To some that is a list that may roll off the tongue like a bad episode of “The L Word,” but for me it’s harder than a 20 year old who took six Viagra. Seriously, my brain is about to explode over here. I have discussed this with friends, and have decided upon my list which (borrowing from Yensid) is in no particular order:
15. Pete’s Dragon (1977) – I was born in 1974, and so this film came out when I was around three years old. I remember going to see it at the cinema, and was scared to death of the Gogan family, who basically were a bunch of rednecks who held Pete hostage and made him do chores. Yeah, so like, this movie gave me my fear of inbred people, and taught me the importance of taking a bath. It also taught me that imaginary friends were ok, and so I don’t feel ashamed to say I had one of those too. Remember this song:
Yeah, it’s safe to say that I had a weird crush on Pete too, but I wasn’t sure why at the time. I also know that there have been times, growing up, where the song “Candle On The Water” hasn’t played on my headphones or radio, while in a funky state of depression over a love interest or whatever. In fact, the song will make anyone want to slit their wrists, yet, sung so beautifully it has to be shared here for everyone I guess:
14. Beastmaster (1982) – I have no problems admitting that this movie was purely adored by me, because I wanted Marc Singer more than Legos. I was eight years old, and had a “Beastmaster” movie poster on my closet door, LITERALLY. He was there for me to lay in bed and stare at, looking lovingly at his leather cod piece, and wanting desperately for him to hop off of the paper and into my arms. Alas, he was but a poster.
I did not care if anyone walked in and saw me, those leather straps around his waist pissed me off so bad, and I wanted to see this man naked. I mean, who poses people like this for real? Looking back, how phallic and suggestive is this image? He is standing there, legs spread in almost a uncomfortable stretch leaning on that boy (I forget his name) and holding a sword that would put Ron Jeremy out of commission. In short, this photo is gay erotica masked as a movie about a guy who can interact with animals. I wanted him to interact with me, and never wanted to be a ferret so bad in my life:
Let us not forget that this movie was actually really good, in fact, it is one that I am going to go BACK and watch again this holiday weekend. It should be noted that, should I not answer my phone, I am busy pretending I am a ferret.
13. Goonies (1985) – Who doesn’t love this movie? If you happen to be one of them, you are probably not someone I want to hang around with. First of all, this movie has some of the most legendary moments of adolescent adventure cinematic history, including: Busting the penis off of the statue of David, Booty Traps, and good ole Chester Copperpot. Let us also not forget Chunk, the truffle shuffle, and the Baby Ruth. Everyone that I knew saw this movie, and it stimulated a part of my brain which made me want to think more “creatively” about problem solving, and gave me again more wet dreams: Josh Brolin, who plays “Brand” in the movie – well, I had a thing for guys who liked to work out… not so attracted to him presently now, but back then he would have been able to molest me anytime.
Yeah, so like, it’s one of those “what the fuck was I thinking” kinda moments?! I guess. Listen, the Goonies also has Sean Astin, Corey Feldman, and John Matuszak who played “Sloth!” These are legendary performances by an amazing cast, which goes does as one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE childhood films! Goonies was good enough, ok?
12. Labyrinth (1986) – You remind me of the babe. What babe? The babe with the power! I still sing this song, and many of the other songs, on the regular for no apparent reason other than they were placed there by a mysterious brainwashing mechanism contained in this movie. There are MANY reasons why I love this movie so much, but my main love for this film comes from my interest at this time in Hollywood special effects! Puppets, live actors, make-up – all of the practical effects used in this film (which CGI could never replace and do it justice) made me worship every frame of this picture! David Bowie’s soundtrack, along with creatures like Ludo, the Firey goblins, and Hoggle made me religiously enter their World on the regular! I mean who could forget the firey goblins?
They scared me, intrigued me, and gave me influence into my interest in special effects. They allowed my creativity to blossom, and for me to grow as an “artist,” who longed to make something different out of things that were ordinary. Yes, that was me, and all because of this film. What, did you think I was going to mention David Bowie’s buldge in those spandex? BAH! I was still playing with the idea of messing with the Beastmaster, and ain’t nobody got time for DAT!
11. Star Wars (1977) – Enter a life changing movie for me, Star Wars. This is where I realized that I was different from other guys, because I wanted to fuck the living daylights out of Luke Skywalker. I had a thing for these blond guys who were all toned and watching him save the universe over and over made me want to jump on his light sabre, repeatedly. By this time I already had a interest in special effects, but not as much as I had an interest in robots, aliens, and of course penis. Mainly penis, honestly, I could have done without the whole movie and just sat there while Mark Hamill played with his penis. Yeah, well, I was a toddler – a very horny toddler. Ah yes, Luke Skywalker – may the force be in me as you bask in the sunset of your home planet, my long lost Jedi lover:
Get a tissue, that music against his skin was moving – right? Ok, yeah, I realize you are lactose intolerant, but the cheese was necessary.
10. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986) – Yeah, see, I’m starting to feel like I have a sexual addiction. This movie was great for me on many levels, because it taught me about rebellion. It taught me that when the going get rough, the rough cut school and go on adventures, and it taught me that Jeffrey Jones made a perfect school principal. I also, and I hate to admit this, enjoyed watching Matthew Broderick in the shower:
So yeah, it was a good movie – and it’s one of my notably influential Top 15 for the simple fact that I reference it more than other movies of this period, and also because of Matthew Broderick in the shower. Maybe I need some counseling?
So there are the FIRST FIVE movies from my “Top 15″ Most Influential Movies list, and I will post more from this list tomorrow evening. I don’t want to put them all together, because honestly – there is a lot to write, and I am really taking my time with this so no rushing anything! Also, the suspense will keep you coming back to my website, and I like the attention.
In the meantime, why not comment below on how my FIRST FIVE films influenced you?! You could tell me about your secret crush on Luke Skywalker, and I can shank you for thinking about my man.
Remembering The Good Ole’ Days,
Jake A. Wheat